Emotions – Guides, not Masters

Your emotions are trying to tell you something important. Your emotions are guides to your needs and, as such, must not be ignored. It is an essential part of our healing journey to learn to respond to our emotions without being controlled by them.

I’d like to share a few points about emotions.

Emotions are about motion. Emotions are motors that cause movement. Some emotions cause inner movements, such as love, compassion, dislike, revulsion.

Other emotions cause an outward movement, providing the energy for us to take action, to move or act. Examples include anger, fear, and sadness.

It is important to express our emotions healthily so the energy that is created with the emotion is released,and not trapped in the body.

Emotions are neutral, not “good” or “bad.” We must distinguish between the emotion itself and what we do in response to the emotion. We separate the emotion from the behavior. Our emotions are inherently neutral; they are information for us and guides to our needs. What we do when feeling an emotion can – obviously – be good or bad, moral or immoral, appropriate or inappropriate, etc.

We are psychosomatic beings. Psychosomatic means that there is a connection between our mind (psyche) and our body (soma). When I experience an emotion, physiological changes occur in my body. That bodily or physical sensation is a clue to what I need; a trailhead, leading me to the part of myself that needs attention.*

Often in a coaching session, a client begins by telling me about a situation, and to a certain degree they are experiencing now in the present moment the emotion that was contained in that original situation.

The first question I typically ask is, “As you are telling me this, what’s happening in your body?” Here’s an example:

Client A was telling me about his dad leaving when he was 5. When asked to notice what was happening in his body, he became aware of a sensation in his throat. As we paid attention to the sensation, sorrow came forward and he was able to cry and say, “Dad don’t leave me. I need you to stay!”

The bodily sensation of a tight throat was the trailhead we followed that led to the unexpressed emotion of sorrow that needed to be released.

The final point is:

Integration is key. There is meant to be integration between our emotions and our reason. When we feel an emotion, we want to be able to listen and respond in a, well, responsive, manner as opposed to a reactive manner. It’s not healthy for us to stifle or suppress emotions and it’s also not healthy to overly engage them and allow our emotions to control us.

Again, we can follow the trailhead from our body’s queues, acknowledge the emotion, learn to respond in an integrated way.

Going further with the client example above:
As the tears began to flow, Client A noticed his neck and shoulders were very tight. As we focused on and attended to that tight, constricted place, he felt afraid and anxious. These feelings came on strong and we took grounding breaths so he could remain regulated and respond to the emotions that had come forward, rather than reacting. Responsiveness often looks like acknowledging what is happening. I prompted: “I’m afraid that…” to which he replied, “I’m afraid that if I cry, Dad will reject me. He won’t love me anymore.”

His tight, constricting shoulders were effectively a part of him reacting to the sadness by squeezing, trying to hold in the sadness, because if he didn’t, he believed he would be rejected by Dad.

These are examples of how the body reveals an emotion which reveals a need. The need often involves movement (see point #1 above), be that tears, expressions of fear, anger, shame, powerlessness, etc. Most of us were never taught what to do with our emotions, especially these more intense ones!

A beautiful and effective starting place is outlined in our ABC Process:

A is Acknowledge. Acknowledge what’s going on: “I’m feeling anxious.“ “My stomach feels unsettled.” “My shoulders are tight and stiff, I’m trying so hard to control this.”

B is Breathe and Befriend. Take long, slow breaths. Befriend yourself by saying, “I’m here. I’m listening.”

C is we invite Christ. Lord, thank you for being with me in this place where I need You most right now.
Simple as ABC 😊. And highly effective.

Using the ABCs, we diffuse the process of becoming dysregulated and respond to our needs rather than becoming reactive. Many times that may be as far as it goes. Maybe you’re in the middle of something or you’re at work. You can use the 3 steps to interrupt the reactivity, create a moment of connection with yourself and with the Lord, and then go back to what you were doing.

At other times, once you’re grounded, aware of what is going on in your body, and you’ve invited the Lord – stay there! Let Him meet you in your place of need and provide for you there.

You can watch a short video teaching on the ABC Process and download a pdf worksheet by clicking here.

May God bless you, De

*Our parts often get our attention through bodily sensations. Swirling, unsettled feelings in my stomach alert me that there is a part of me experiencing anxiety, and she needs my attention. Tightness and constricting in my upper back are typically a part of me grasping for control, feeling afraid, needing me to pause, listen, and attend to her needs. You can learn more about parts work and its vital role in our healing process by joining our Wednesday morning group called Healing through Catholic Parts Work, offered through our private women’s community, Hope’s Garden. Learn more and access the group here: https://hopesgarden.mn.co/share/G1pXd6Ve7kbiLsaG?utm_source=manual